I panic thinking of it, it was the date I went into hospital and was placed on bedrest.
It was the date I was told the girls only had a 10% chance of surviving the birth.
5% chance of surviving.
only a 2% chance of being "intact".
I was told I could just stand up, that because it was before 24 weeks they were not expecting survival.
It was the beginning of my nightmare that I couldn't wake from
I cried for 48 hours. Heard every scary statistic. Knew too much. Was reminded again and again what I would need to do "when you get pregnant next time" as if the girls were already gone...
Talking of not only my mortality to try and wrap my brain around were I would want my babies placed to rest if they didn't make it.
I spent 14 days on my head fighting to keep the girls inside, ignoring my own health risks and focusing just on them. Quickly I realized that my crying might be doing more harm, so I pushed back my fears, and focused on them.
Fighting for every steroid, every antibiotic, refusing to move unless I was made to. And then I passed the 24 week mark and I had more support in our fight.
I thought I was ready for this day, that I was over my sadness. The girls are fine, and doing well. But the thought of bedrest, of Dec 8th makes me sad.
I hope next year will be better.
I have been told that it was the day that makes people proud of me. That I became a supermom.
I didn't see it that way.
I just did what I believe any mom would have done if given the chance.
So today I have to remind myself that at the end I got my beautiful baby girls, and remind myself once again that everyone is safe, alive, and as healthy as they can be.
 |
| Gwen |
.jpg) |
| Avery |
It doesn't help that there is a lot going on right now that I can't get into yet, on top of my normal issues with Dec 8th.
So I'm sorry if I don't seem very festive. I'm sorry if I might not smile as much as I normally do. I'm working through this and trying not to let my kids notice.
3 comments:
I am one of those people that think of that day as the day you saved them. They were already in trouble before that day, we just didn't know it and the doctors couldn't catch it but you did. Of course, I'm also the person that refused to grieve them until they were actually gone. I never would've been able to face them today had I just written them off, but I was hopeful for them and celebrated the day they came out kicking and breathing. I love them as much as my own, so from all of us that are glad they're here, Thank you for saving them despite how "intact" tor "viable" they were xoxoxox
Ohhhh yup, it's my hard time of the year too. My boys turned 2 on Dec 6th. Not as early as your girls (29 weeks but growth restricted), but it's still so hard to remember.
Hugs and you're not alone in thinking back on that nightmare of prematurity.
I completely understand where you are coming from. The day September 13th is forever burned in my mind as the day I was put on strict hospital bedrest. Every freedom I had was taken away from me. Yes, it was worth it as my 26 weeker is now a perfect two year old....but the memories of that day are still very painful.
Post a Comment