callings

I have been trying to think this post through for some time now, but I have a hard time talking about just me. I'm sure people are now thinking that the blog is all about me, and in a way it is except I'm talking about my kids or family. This post is all about me. And that is awkward for me, just as much as looking at pictures of myself.

new pic from family photos with Auntie Mae- but even this makes me awkward 

One thing you have to understand is that since I was very little I wanted to be a mom like some want to be a doctor or a nurse or a teacher. I knew it was a major calling in life, and it was hard to think of doing something else. In fact I still have a hard time figuring out what I want to do other then mothering. 

Shortly after working out that motherhood was my major calling, and figuring out how that happened. I felt the need to be a surrogate one day. That after I had my own children that I would love to give the gift of a child to others who needed that help. 

My first hurdle was convincing Matthew. 

We were still only dating when we were discussing children, and you might have read before that he brought it up very early in our relationship. Because of that it was an easy topic, and depending on how serious you are in your relationship and how much you want kids it is a good way to make it an easy topic to broach it that early. Or that could just work for us. Anyway, one of the first more challenging conversations we had was about how I wanted to be a surrogate one day. Once he was assured that I would just be the carrier and after questioning how he would feel if one of his really close female friends couldn't have their own child for whatever reason, he felt a bit better about it. But he requested that I would only do it for someone we knew. 

As time progressed, and I had the ninja without any difficulties. I knew that one day I would have to talk with Matthew about the chance to be a surrogate for someone other then a friend. 

I loved how easy pregnancy was, at least how easy it was for me. Because if I couldn't even tell with Rhys for so long, then I must take to pregnancy well right? No symptoms, no illness. It just felt right.

In the time between the girls, I was talking with someone I knew through school. She had discovered recently that due to a medical reason she would never be able to biologically have her own kids. After that talk, I felt reassured that surrogacy would definitely be in my future. I just needed to get pregnant on my own and complete our family.

And then, the girls...

After their birth, and they were stable, I had a very selfish moment. I lamented the fact that I would never be allowed to be a surrogate. 

I was "damaged goods", no one would want to put their expensive possibly only chance at a baby on someone who couldn't carry their own to term. And who can blame them? Not I. I know that one of the main reasons that we probably will never have anymore kids is our own worry that I won't be able to carry them to term either. 

So now what? 

It is a dream that I just have to let go. A calling that is unfulfilled. I might just need to work out how to change that calling. But until then I have 20+ years of knowing what I wanted to reconcile with the truth.