I was at the airport last night picking up my in-laws and saw one of my NICU mama friends with her twin girls (kids # 3 & # 4) and she asked after talking for some time "so are you done?"
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| My 3 hands with my rings at 2 months |
Today, Gwen had a physio appointment. Her physio therapist asked at the end of the appointment (a mother of 3 herself) "so are you done?"
Leaving physio I met 3 other NICU mama's and a nurse at different times walking out of the hospital. During each conversation "so, are you done?"
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| First pic of all three together |
Each time, I know what they are asking without them finishing the question. Are you done having kids? its a complex question for a preemie parent. Most I talk to say "never again!" they never want to risk reliving the NICU. Never want to risk loosing a baby. Never want to go through the roller-coaster of it all. I too was worried about the possibility of reliving the NICU, but mostly I was worried about what another NICU stay would do to my kids. Rhys had a really hard time with being away from his sisters for so long. And eventually me too, I always tried to visit the girls while he was at daycare or asleep but eventually when I started bf I needed to spend most of my time at the hospital. It would be a lot harder to leave 3 kids at home each day or if I needed bedrest again... its hard to think about. DH would need to be able to drive. That would make it easier for the family regardless of bedrest/NICU or nothing. But I have realized that even with the possibility of it all happening again, I will be followed a lot closer that we will discover the issue before it gets bad.
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| first pic home of all three |
Today however I realized that the question has changed. Before today I was asked "you are done, right?" see the difference? It is not really a question. They assumed that due to the fact that I had three kids, due to the fact that I had twins, due to the fact that they were preemies, due to the fact that we spent so much time in/at the hospital, whatever, that we wouldn't want anymore kids. And I think that question was more upsetting. Why is it that you think that we can't handle it. Its our life. Our family. I think now that we are being asked instead "are you done?" is an indication that people are realizing that we are handling it. That or that the girls are now old enough to ask about another baby...
So, are we done?
I honestly don't know.
We always said we wanted at least three, and we would reevaluate. We tried to work out if there would be # 4 by the girls first birthday but we still weren't there emotionally.
I'm happy with my three. Extremely so. I feel more calm and at peace as a mother with my three then I ever did with my one. I am more at ease taking care of many then few. I am calm and happy with the dynamic of our family.
Would I be sad if # 4 happened? No, never. Would I be sad if 4 doesn't happen? No, not really?
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| pic for Fathers day |
If # 4 would happen, he/she will have to wait. We owe a little bit of money, not much other then the car and the house, but we would want it all payed off (except the house/car) before # 4. If I get a part time job that works around DH's schedule, it would be payed off and we would have a nice bit of savings too in a year. DH would need his licence too, I'm not being the solo driver for a family of 6.
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| my three this summer past |
The other side of the coin is getting pregnant with # 4. It took 2 years for the girls, the older I get the worse that can. Will I want to relive the newborn stage in 3-4 years or more? Or adding another personality to our working dynamic, what happens if # 4 trows the balance off?
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| Christmas pic of my three |
I know that I am not ready to say "no never again" but will I be then?
It is hard. It is a hard decision to make and we are not ready to make it.
So if you want to ask, "are you done?" that is the answer.
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