But I'm still in it

Between starting appointments up again, and gathering pictures for Gwen's scrapbook I've been rather reflective. I'm sad that Avery now has to restart physio because it feels as if it is a step backward. But I can't be too sad because I don't know if she will need beyond the next appointment. And honestly it is better to get her checked out then to leave it be and not know.

I heard someone recently from some 9/11 documentary or something that on the day he was freaking out and a police officer said "don't worry you are just suffering from post traumatic stress" and he responded "post traumatic, but we are still in the trauma" or something to that effect

Now how does that relate to me?

Not much for me personally, but I do know that many parents that live through the NICU suffer from P.T.S.D.

And honestly I can understand why. You go day by day, moment by moment not knowing if your child is going to die. Alarms startle you wondering if this is their last struggle and if they are going to give in.

Avery

That is unbearably hard.

I thankfully had a great nurse say to me in the first day to ignore it all. They do. Look at their colour and you will know how they are really doing, sometimes the monitors are overly sensitive or wrong and the baby is on an upswing. I quickly could tell you if I should really be worried based on their colour. To this day if one of them is "off" I know by looking at them. I don't need a thermometer, I can tell that Gwen turns a purplely blue and Avery gets to a translucent gray.

Gwen's space 

Eventually for me the sounds of the NICU were calming, it reminded me that the girls were where they needed to be and in capable hands.

But I know other parents found it stressful. Matthew was rarely comfortable in level III. Without a doubt he would be there for 10 mins max and need to rush to the washroom being gone for 15+ mins. It was an upsetting place for him, I teased him that it was his subconscious reacting to being back in the NICU.

Matthew & Gwen

Other parents would get a look of panic at every alarm, and given that there were 8 babies in level III between the two rooms and sometimes 5+ things that could alarm on each baby it was rarely quiet.

Its constant noise. I've heard it liked to a battle field. The non-stop noise, babies fighting for their lives along side of their nurses, doctors, and specialists. As with someone who goes through a war, they are more prone to P.T.S.D.

Avery

And it follows you

I'm still in in per say, were is the post?

All of the appointments.

All of the health issues.

Always having to do things differently because they were early.

I know how lucky we all are. The girls are behaving like normal 20 month old's, there are few lingering health issues, and no one has P.T.S.D.

But a break of 4 weeks from appointments is not the norm. I shouldn't be recognized by hospital parking staff. They shouldn't know my kids names.

We are still in the NICU.

our view from our care by parent room in the NICU 

Not physically, but mentally. We have to isolate ourselves in cold and flu season, at least for another year until they are on their third. We have to memorize countless procedures, appointments, specialists, and health issues.

I can only imagine how hard it is for the parents who suffer from P.T.S.D. Constantly having to relive it.

Eventually this too will end, and we are getting discharged from appointments and specialists. But for now we are still in it.