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| 2013 |
Hope everyone has a safe, wonderful, family filled holiday season and new year!
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| Side not look how much bigger the kids are vs. 2012 (and they are in mirror to this year) |
fam
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Happy Holidays
Hope everyone has a safe, wonderful, family filled holiday season and new year!
Sunday, 8 December 2013
The worst day...
Dec 8, 2011
I panic thinking of it, it was the date I went into hospital and was placed on bedrest.
It was the date I was told the girls only had a 10% chance of surviving the birth.
5% chance of surviving.
only a 2% chance of being "intact".
I was told I could just stand up, that because it was before 24 weeks they were not expecting survival.
It was the beginning of my nightmare that I couldn't wake from
I cried for 48 hours. Heard every scary statistic. Knew too much. Was reminded again and again what I would need to do "when you get pregnant next time" as if the girls were already gone...
Talking of not only my mortality to try and wrap my brain around were I would want my babies placed to rest if they didn't make it.
I spent 14 days on my head fighting to keep the girls inside, ignoring my own health risks and focusing just on them. Quickly I realized that my crying might be doing more harm, so I pushed back my fears, and focused on them.
Fighting for every steroid, every antibiotic, refusing to move unless I was made to. And then I passed the 24 week mark and I had more support in our fight.
I thought I was ready for this day, that I was over my sadness. The girls are fine, and doing well. But the thought of bedrest, of Dec 8th makes me sad.
I hope next year will be better.
I have been told that it was the day that makes people proud of me. That I became a supermom.
I didn't see it that way.
I just did what I believe any mom would have done if given the chance.
So today I have to remind myself that at the end I got my beautiful baby girls, and remind myself once again that everyone is safe, alive, and as healthy as they can be.
I panic thinking of it, it was the date I went into hospital and was placed on bedrest.
It was the date I was told the girls only had a 10% chance of surviving the birth.
5% chance of surviving.
only a 2% chance of being "intact".
I was told I could just stand up, that because it was before 24 weeks they were not expecting survival.
It was the beginning of my nightmare that I couldn't wake from
I cried for 48 hours. Heard every scary statistic. Knew too much. Was reminded again and again what I would need to do "when you get pregnant next time" as if the girls were already gone...
Talking of not only my mortality to try and wrap my brain around were I would want my babies placed to rest if they didn't make it.
I spent 14 days on my head fighting to keep the girls inside, ignoring my own health risks and focusing just on them. Quickly I realized that my crying might be doing more harm, so I pushed back my fears, and focused on them.
Fighting for every steroid, every antibiotic, refusing to move unless I was made to. And then I passed the 24 week mark and I had more support in our fight.
I thought I was ready for this day, that I was over my sadness. The girls are fine, and doing well. But the thought of bedrest, of Dec 8th makes me sad.
I hope next year will be better.
I have been told that it was the day that makes people proud of me. That I became a supermom.
I didn't see it that way.
I just did what I believe any mom would have done if given the chance.
So today I have to remind myself that at the end I got my beautiful baby girls, and remind myself once again that everyone is safe, alive, and as healthy as they can be.
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| Gwen |
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| Avery |
It doesn't help that there is a lot going on right now that I can't get into yet, on top of my normal issues with Dec 8th.
So I'm sorry if I don't seem very festive. I'm sorry if I might not smile as much as I normally do. I'm working through this and trying not to let my kids notice.
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