tbt

Sorry I've been MIA from the blog, work with appointments and sickness has taken me away. But that happens with kiddos!

I've been posting trow back thursday pics on facebook and thought i would share todays, my baby ninja was born on a Sunday mornning a month shy of 6 years ago and his birthday is on a Sunday again.

Can't believe he is going to be six!

Are you his mom? and gaining square footage part 2

Its a beautiful +25C October day here, so I walked to pick up Rhys from kindergarten. There is a convenient trail that is across the street that leads directly to the school but it passes "the purple park" that is right behind the school.

Daddy and Rhys walking home on the end of the path on his first day

"The Purple Park" with Rhys' school in the background 

Rhys has told us before that their new gym teacher on nice days will bring them to the park to play. Its a great idea its so close to the school, and it has a big field to run around. So it didn't surprise me that we passed an elementary class there for gym. Rhys ran right up to his teacher, who is maybe 5 years older then me max, and said hi! 

We had a quick talk and at the end she looked at me oddly then asked "are you his mom?"

I know I was younger when I had the ninja baby. 

But I wasn't unbelievably young. 

So ether I look younger then I think I do, or Rhys looks older. 

Yet this hasn't been the first time this has come up, and it is more frequent the older Rhys gets. It has never come up with the girls. Maybe because I look like I should only have little kids, and that I am too young to have a school aged kid?

I know it isn't the norm to have kids younger, at least not here. I know that I might be one the younger mom's in Rhys' kindergarten class. But I doubt that I am the youngest.

We have been kept busy at home too, with the wall. 

Last nights progress

And then we peaked under the paneling to see the state of the wall underneath when we found...

Wallpaper?????

So now we are placing bets on whats under that wallpaper. But the trend with the house continues. How much space will we gain by the end of this project?

the last 4 years

The past 4 years can be broken down into two 2 year brackets, the first two years was the heartache of ttc (trying to conceive) a baby. The second two years (starting July 24th 2011) was the moment I knew we were having another baby, little did we know Avery was hanging out too!

Auntie Mae took pics of our 19 month olds

Let me start with the first 2 years. Of infertility, sadness, and living in the dark about it.

Matthew and I knew we wanted to have at least 3 kiddos. It was one of the earliest discussion we had as a dating couple, and one that he started. Matthew said outright "I want kids, I want more then two. If you are not on the same page, lets just end this now and still be friends"

I also wanted kids so it worked out well.

Rhys our little ninja baby was a happy surprise. He was a one shot deal. No charting cycles, no keeping temps, not even fully knowing what CD I was. He was a miracle due to my odd cycles. I remember being a young teen and discovering that I would have issues getting pregnant, and that I should try to have them younger to give myself the best odds. So because of all of this Rhys was even more of a surprise.

Due to the fact that our wedding was coming up, we decided to wait to ttc until just before the wedding.

Little Ninja at our wedding

Rhys was 18 months at our wedding, and we wanted to try and keep the kids close together in age. We didn't know how long it would take.

I quickly discovered a great support group online. I never knew how common infertility was, or how long people could try for a baby and what they would be willing to do to have one. Some of these women I'm still friends with today.  Did you know that about 70% of infertility is secondary infertility. People who have kids and then for some reason can't get pregnant again.

Infertility is like a big taboo. You don't talk about it with anyone but your partner and even then you try not to talk about it too much. You try not to dwell, you keep to yourself and you blame yourself. I was worried to talk too much about it with Matthew because I -knew- it was because of me. Yet even with that knowledge I still had to convince my doctor that I needed to figure out what the issue was. That took longer then it should.

At the beginning, the only people who knew we were ttc (other then my online friends who were also ttc) were Matthew, myself and Gwen's godmother. After a year and a half I told Rhys' godmother, and that was it until just before I found out about the girls.

Why can't we talk about it?

Why must people who are going through this feel as though they have to live in secret about it?

It's sad.

And it was a sad time.

Then, July 24, 2011...The second 2 years

actually this is the one from Aug 2, 2011 I saved my expensive test for when I -knew- it would be positive 

I couldn't have been happier! It was as if all the worries, concerns and heartache dissipated. And then discovering at 8 weeks that there were two babies.

But then after the happiness of being pregnant, of having twins came the fear of loosing them. The discovery of dilation and needing to be put on trendelenburg bedrest. The odds of only a 10% chance of surviving birth. Each. 

Blame in bedrest, believing that it was all on me. Every day was a struggle, a fight with my own body. The first night I couldn't sleep, I was crying talking with my mother-in-law about her experience with three bedrests and two preemie deliveries. One was a very sad outcome that was too close to my own situation, the other was my husband.

And that is just the emotional side of the bedrest. Physically it took a great tole on me, for the first 4 days I had a major headache from being head down, and my neck throbbed. I tried my best not to complain, to not think of my physical discomfort because I believed that if I was too concerned with my own pain I wouldn't win the fight to keep the girls safe inside.

I was told that I would last at most 4 days due to what the medical staff had seen before. That at 6 cm I was too far gone to give them more time. But I am stubborn and I knew that even 4 days would get them to 24 weeks and would give them better odds. I also knew that I would set a new bench mark, that I would last longer and give the girls as long as I could.

We fought for our pregnancy, I was going to fight to give them the best start before they began their fight. But on the Sunday when I couldn't get comfortable we quickly learned that I finally hit 10 cm. But I wasn't going to give in yet. I gave them another 4 days. 4 days to get just past 25 weeks, before the doctors said that it would do more harm with risk of infection. But because I lasted 14 days on bedrest I got them to a 60% chance of surviving their birth.

The sadness of their early delivery was overwhelming. Going in, we didn't know if they would survive delivery, or if I was only going to deliver Gwen and go back to bedrest for Avery. Pushing for over 49 mins on Gwen I had believed that she was gone. That it was too much on her little body. But she came out screaming and did really well. Avery decided that she wanted to come too and only 9 mins later she came into the world toes first wiggling all the way.

The NICU was at least a calm spot for me. Yes my girls fought for their lives there with their medical staff, but it was no longer in my hands. The girls did what they could and I trusted the nurses and doctors fully. I knew that they would do whatever they could to to keep them alive. I met other parents who were watching their little babies fight and we still talk to this day and I love their kids like family.

Gwen

Avery

Lingering health issues and doctors appointments. I naively believed that if they survived birth and the NICU that they would be fine. I quickly learned that between all the things that had to be done to them to help them survive could actually cause lasting affects. I should have known better, but after seeing your children defy the odds part of you believes that that is what they will continue to do.

They were followed by everyone, everyone.

Avery had blood pressure issues, and had a voice issue that we discovered overtime that was due to a paralyzed vocal cord. She will always have it, and it came about due to her PDA surgery, without the surgery she would have died.

Gwen's prolonged ventilation, her three bouts of jaundice, the antibiotics they put her on many times her temps spiked until they found out if she had an infection and her extremely low birth weight all contributed to her hearing issue. Auditory Neuropathy, why did it have to be such a complex diagnoses.

But the positives of being followed by everyone is that we now know Avery is nearsighted, and it isn't due to her premature birth, it's genetic. She will need glasses before she starts school, and will get them before most kids vision problems get picked up. Without being born early, we wouldn't have know this.

Without being born early I wouldn't have learned as much as I do about blood pressure, hearing, vision, development. Many doctors and nurses have commented that I would do well in the medical profession due to how much I retain and study about all of the obstacles the girls have faced. My response is that I am their advocate, if I don't understand everything then I can't fight properly for them. I need to give them the best chance for them to develop and grow like normal kids. Not like preemies. Not like kids with disabilities.



So. Looking back, what was worse?

The first two years were hard, I hit some of my lowest points during that time. But it ended with the happiness of becoming pregnant, and some online friends that I will always have. 

The last two have seen some of my happiest and saddest moments. 

So they both were bad in their own way, the only way the last two are more manageable is because I have my girls, I have the support of others and I'm not covering up my sadness. 

Avery

Gwen

Universal Healthcare

Everyday I am reminded how lucky I/we are to live in the country that we do.

Canada is a good place, yes we have our issues with government. But who doesn't??? I might disagree with what is going on politically, but there are great things about our country too. No war here, we don't have natural disasters here in Newfoundland (well except for that Tsunami, but that was back in 1929) One thing I'm most thankful for is universal healthcare.

Due to not knowing about Rhys until so late in my pregnancy, I wouldn't have been able to pay for a hospital delivery (as it was my in-laws were kind enough to pay for the private room that I couldn't afford) because I had just switched jobs two months before he was born and my insurance never kicked in in time.

last belly shot with Rhys

How could I in 4 weeks save enough for a hospital delivery on top of getting ready for a new baby? I was thankful for the family support, and the size of our families for the support so that we had everything we needed in those 4 weeks, but I couldn't expect them to foot a hospital bill on top of that. Matthew was in school full time and working full time. He was already working on next to no sleep, using 20 hours a day between school and work, he couldn't work overtime for more money to take care of that. And I was taken off work a week and a half before he was born due to his position in my pelvis.  

little Ninja baby

I don't know how anyone with a Ninja baby can do it. 

With the girls, we had two years of trying so yes we were saving for them (not knowing it was going to be twins) I was seeing my OBGYN monthly, and on meds for 3 months. I had blood work done 4 times a month for 9 months. That would have eaten into our savings if each was out of our pocket.

Matthew had just switched positions so while I was pregnant I did have to pay for my morning sickness meds. I couldn't believe how expensive they were for only one month but they were worth every penny to be able to care for Rhys during that time. But would it have been doable with all the appointments? During that same time I was seeing my OBGYN and she sent me for an early ultrasound due to bleeding, and for a lot of blood work.

the girls first ultrasound - August 2011

And then bedrest...

Gwen

Avery

Because it was deemed a medical necessity I was given a private room when I wasn't in the case room. But due to a mix-up I was given the bill for it one month after the girls were born. $1500 just for the room. Thankfully it was resolved, but if I had to pay for all the procedures, tests, scans, drugs I don't know if I could have faced that on top of the stress of bedrest.

The NICU... I have met too many parents of Micro preemies who had to face each decision with a price tag. And even if they didn't have to worry about it, the hospital did and would send the babies home as soon as possible. My girls would not have been in hospital as long as they were. Gwen would have come home on oxygen, Avery would have come home before Gwen, and we wouldn't have caught her high blood pressure until a lot later.

level three in the NICU for the sickest babies 

Gwen's first room in the NICU

Avery's first room

Avery's bed space on Christmas 2011 

Gwen's bed space Christmas 2011 

We have gotten a MCP audit once for one of Avery's specialists appointments. $100 is what MCP was charged for for taking her blood pressure, weighing her, going over her dose and spending a grand total of 10 mins with the doctor because I had a lot of questions.

The girls have had well over 300 appointments now since they have come home. That's $30 000, just in appointments.

$30 000.

In appointments.

I know that their bed spaces in the NICU (just the bed space) was $2000 a day. That's not equipment, drugs, specialists, nurses, etc.

$512 000 in the cost of their space alone.

Gwen's hearing aids were ~$7000.

Thank goodness for universal healthcare, because I know we would have had to declare bankruptcy by now without it.

I don't have to choose between health, and food.

My biggest wish is that healthcare was treated like a human right, not something for the privileged.

But that is just my opinion, and yes there are some downsides to it.

No system is perfect.

We might have longer wait times for non-emergencies, but I have seen how fast the system can work in emergencies in the NICU. So I will deal with the longer waits, because it means someone who is sicker is being seen to first. And it means that I don't have to worry about not affording to live a life outside the hospital.

Because that is just as important.

Avery & Gwen 

Kindergarten supply list aka when did this happen???

I can't believe how big Rhys is getting, or how fast time is flying. It feels like yesterday he was this little baby on my shoulder trying his hardest to bring his knees up to his nose and now its hard to carry him anywhere. Just got his Kindergarten supply list, and info.

How can he be starting school in September????

Kindergarten Supplies September 2013
The following lists the supplies needed for kindergarten. Please do not label the supplies, and bring them in the first day of school.
Book Bag: A zippered knapsack ---preferably one that is large enough to carry bigger items such as Library books and Artwork.
Sneakers: A pair to remain in school.  Please put your child’s initials or name on the inside.  Velcro is the best option unless your child is able to tie his/her own laces.
2 glue sticks—no purple please
1 pair of metal scissors
1 package of crayons
1 package of original 8 markers- non scented, basic colors, no sparkles etc.
10 pencils--sharpened
1 eraser
4 paper duo tangs (Red, Blue, Green, Yellow) (3 prong)
1 Blue Binder
Painting Smock or Old Shirt (Please put your Child’s name on the inside)

Were did the time go????

Time, like Rhys won't stand still 

Some ideas and tips to better prepare your child for Kindergarten
1. Read to your child every day. Find books with simple stories, and help your child start to think about what he or she sees and hears. Talk with him/her about what happened first, next and last in the story.
2. Play "what's that sound" and let your child try to guess where a sound comes from.
3. Make up characters and act out their roles. You and your child can pretend to "be" anyone!
4. Let your child tell you a made-up story during bath time, dinnertime or any time.
5. Play outside! Run, jump, play tag or hide-and-seek, or play ball.
6. Make things together with scissors and glue. A shoebox makes a great pretend dollhouse or car. Old socks make fun puppets. A big cardboard box can be a clubhouse.
7. Let your child "help" with chores by using a broom, dusting a table or sorting laundry by colors. These can be fun ways for children to learn.
8. Make (and play) musical instruments. Use paper towels, old pots, plastic pails, tin cans (with no sharp edges), cardboard, and anything else handy. Play along with the radio, or give a "concert."
9. While you're on a walk or going to the store, help your child to look around and explore. Watch the big machines at a construction site and talk about what they are doing. Let your child feel the bark of different trees. Count the different kinds of cards and talk about what makes them different.
10. Have regular times for meals and snacks, so that your child will grow up eating on a healthy schedule. Eat healthy foods yourself as an example for your child.
11. Keep an eye on your child's vision. It can be hard to tell if a young child is having trouble seeing. Watch for signs such as stumbling, squinting, or holding books too close. If you think there might be a problem, see an eye doctor.
12. Be clear with your child about how you expect him or her to behave:  saying "please" and "thank you," holding an adult's hand when crossing the street, not talking to strangers, taking proper care of toys, sharing, etc.
13. Give your child chances to play, both alone and with others. Make arrangements for safe playtime with other children.
14. Using a doll, pretend that you and your child are taking care of a baby. Say, "Oh, the baby is crying. I think we need to change baby's diaper," and show your child what to do. Or, pretend that the two of you are friends having coffee together. Set the table, sit down, and start a conversation. You can ask, "So, tell me something that made you laugh this week."
15. Play games with a jump rope. Lay it out straight on the ground and have your child pretend to "walk the tightrope" in the circus. Once your child can do this, have him or her hop along the rope. Then put the rope in a circle and have your child hop into and out of it, first with both feet and then on one foot. The two of you can keep making up new tricks.
16. Pretend to be in a restaurant where you take turns writing down each other's orders. Also, point out the words on stop signs, billboards, cereal boxes, etc.
17. Help your child to become aware of sounds in letters. Play games: "What starts with 'm'?" "What ends with’t’?"
18. Ask your child to tell you about what he or she did today. Listen closely and be interested.

Random news from the US and our Birthday/ Sci-Fi Weekend

So I was reading an article on a current case in the States about little Sammy Nikolayev being removed from his parents care because they wanted to get a second medical opinion. It is sad to think about anyone loosing their child because they are trying to do what is best for them.

If you want more info click here.

Sci-Fi On the Rock 7

Sci-Fi On the Rock 7 this past weekend, busy but fun with all the kiddos. I have been going since the beginning, even last year when I had to run back and forth to the hospital to BF the girls.

Sci- Fi On the Rock 1

Sci-Fi On the Rock 2 (Rhys helped with the costume)

Sci-Fi On the Rock 4 (not sure where my pic of 3 is)

Sci-Fi On the Rock 5

Sci-Fi On the Rock 6

Gwen & Avery at Sci-Fi On the Rock 7 in costume at a panel 

We had a busy weekend, Rhys' 5th birthday was a success for him. He had fun! 

some gifts and loot boxes 

all the boxes put together and stacked 

Rhys 

"It's me Mario!"

Opening gifts

10 years

The hubs and I have been together 10 years this summer (yet this is our 10th April together). 10 years!

Dec 2006

I wasn't even legal when we started dating, the hubs was just 19 himself. We are very different people, we grew together and became adults together, we have been parents for half of that time.

the night he proposed 

We were friends first, I was at his 19th birthday (he was dating someone else then) Good friends. We tentatively started dating, not wanting to risk ruining our friendship. But even with the conscious start, within the first week of dating he turned to me and said "I want kids, a lot of them. If you don't we should end this now before we get too invested."

"great, me too!"

the ninja's first Canada Day

I was asked this past weekend if 10 years ago at 18 did I think I would be a mother to three? Yes, I hoped I would be. The only thing I didn't see was the minivan. But that is just because I was a delusional teenager who had no idea about the sizes of carseats...

Anyways. 10 years.

My Convocation from University 

Still don't know what to do to celebrate. We should have planed a trip last year to be able to do it, so not enough time to plan that now. I know it isn't a wedding anniversary but the first 6 years of our history would be ignored if we didn't acknowledge it, including the ninja who was 18 months old at our wedding.

What would you do? How would you like to celebrate 10 years? Please help me, I need suggestions.

memory

I was just thinking about Rhys' godmother today. Love and miss her a lot since she moved, and was glad to see her this past December when she came for a visit.

kisses at the wedding 

I was getting ready to call the in-laws and dialed her parents number by mistake. I caught myself before getting through, but it was interesting how your memory can work and let itself be known. I wasn't even paying any attention to the numbers just let my fingers move...

DH's 27th birthday

Miss you Kelly! 

her 19th birthday, we look so young!

So, are you done?

I have been asked this question 6 times in the last 12 hours.

I was at the airport last night picking up my in-laws and saw one of my NICU mama friends with her twin girls (kids  # 3 & # 4) and she asked after talking for some time "so are you done?"

My 3 hands with my rings at 2 months

Today, Gwen had a physio appointment. Her physio therapist asked at the end of the appointment (a mother of 3 herself) "so are you done?"

Leaving physio I met 3 other NICU mama's and a nurse at different times walking out of the hospital. During each conversation "so, are you done?"

First pic of all three together 

Each time, I know what they are asking without them finishing the question. Are you done having kids? its a complex question for a preemie parent. Most I talk to say "never again!" they never want to risk reliving the NICU. Never want to risk loosing a baby. Never want to go through the roller-coaster of it all. I too was worried about the possibility of reliving the NICU, but mostly I was worried about what another NICU stay would do to my kids. Rhys had a really hard time with being away from his sisters for so long. And eventually me too, I always tried to visit the girls while he was at daycare or asleep but eventually when I started bf I needed to spend most of my time at the hospital. It would be a lot harder to leave 3 kids at home each day or if I needed bedrest again... its hard to think about. DH would need to be able to drive. That would make it easier for the family regardless of bedrest/NICU or nothing. But I have realized that even with the possibility of it all happening again, I will be followed a lot closer that we will discover the issue before it gets bad.

first pic home of all three

Today however I realized that the question has changed. Before today I was asked "you are done, right?" see the difference? It is not really a question. They assumed that due to the fact that I had three kids, due to the fact that I had twins, due to the fact that they were preemies, due to the fact that we spent so much time in/at the hospital, whatever, that we wouldn't want anymore kids. And I think that question was more upsetting. Why is it that you think that we can't handle it. Its our life. Our family. I think now that we are being asked instead "are you done?" is an indication that people are realizing that we are handling it. That or that the girls are now old enough to ask about another baby...

So, are we done?

I honestly don't know.

We always said we wanted at least three, and we would reevaluate. We tried to work out if there would be # 4 by the girls first birthday but we still weren't there emotionally.

I'm happy with my three. Extremely so. I feel more calm and at peace as a mother with my three then I ever did with my one. I am more at ease taking care of many then few. I am calm and happy with the dynamic of our family.

Would I be sad if # 4 happened? No, never. Would I be sad if 4 doesn't happen? No, not really?

pic for Fathers day

If # 4 would happen, he/she will have to wait. We owe a little bit of money, not much other then the car and the house, but we would want it all payed off (except the house/car) before # 4. If I get a part time job that works around DH's schedule, it would be payed off and we would have a nice bit of savings too in a year. DH would need his licence too, I'm not being the solo driver for a family of 6. 

my three this summer past

The other side of the coin is getting pregnant with # 4. It took 2 years for the girls, the older I get the worse that can. Will I want to relive the newborn stage in 3-4 years or more? Or adding another personality to our working dynamic, what happens if # 4 trows the balance off?

Christmas pic of my three

I know that I am not ready to say "no never again" but will I be then?

It is hard. It is a hard decision to make and we are not ready to make it.

So if you want to ask, "are you done?" that is the answer.